LIFESTYLE

The Disasters of Internet Dating

So, I’ve been out on a few dates recently. However, last night topped the pole by far for the worst/most surreal/strangest ever first date in history!!!

Firstly, a cyclone has hit Christchurch – so outside it’s rain, wind – not exactly great weather for looking particularly great – think fluffy hair that’s blowing everywhere!! lol

So we get to the restaurant – all seems to be going ok so far – food is good – conversation a bit stilted but put that down to nerves/embarrassment etc. Have already joked on the phone about our secret get out of date excuses -calling the girls from the toilet to do an “emergency come quickly” SOS call and the like.

He goes off to the toilet at one point and is gone for longer than normal, so start to think may have been ditched before the main course has even been started!! But he does return, and food eating commences.

In the grand scheme of things, if the date finished here then it wouldn’t have been a bad one at all. However, it doesn’t and so begins the randomness.

We go up to the counter to get the bill – upon when he “discovers” that he has left his wallet at home!!! Slight panic ensues as I am fricking broke at the moment due to not getting paid for the whole of the xmas holidays, so am pretty sure that my accout has zilch in it (we had already established that he was taking me out for the meal – and yes I do usually split the bill or offer to pay my share, but in this case I thought why not – believe me, will not be making that mistake again!!). So as I hand over my card and then stand cringing whilst I wait to see if it has been accepted – at the same time in my head opting to wash, rather than dry the dishes that invariably we will be doing in about 5 minutes time in the restaurant kitchens!! (Actually I would have been walking out the door shouting adios sucker over my shoulder I suspect!!)

By the grace of God, and the miracle of kiwi banking ineptness, my card was accepted and the meal paid for!! (Although now I am somewhat concerned about the horrendous charges that ASB Bank will be whooping on my arse for going into overdraft!!)

I am assured by said date though that we will go and collect his wallet and he will pay me back. I kinda felt like I should have said “No, that’s fine” at this point, but I am still adding up bank charges in my head!!!

So we head back to his house. I sit and wait in the car while he goes inside to collect it. As he walks back to the car, another car pulls over on the opposite side of the road, and beeps. He’s already half in the car at this point, when I hear “Shit it’s my ex-girlfriend”. And so the saga continues.

There is some discussion in the driveway (which I can’t hear – and A: I can’t wind down the window as they are electric and he has the keys, and B: I figure sticking my head out of the window may be slightly too much and also may insight some sort of violence from scary looking ex!!) They then head back into the house!!

So here I am, sat in this guys car, whilst him and his ex-girlfriend are inside his house doing or saying god knows what.

So what do I do??

Well get the hell out of there would have probably been the sensible thing – and quickly!!! However, there is still the small issue that he owes me money, and I am wearing heels – which as strangely comfy as they are these days to wear, I don’t think I would quite make it the mile or two down the road to my house!!

So I sit and wait!! He returns, the ex is trying to slyly look out the corner of her eye to see who is in the car (I’m now slouching in the seat in an attempt to avoid some sort of retribution), she leaves, he returns to the car, and we head off to find a cash point.

God knows why but I suggest that we head to a bar for a drink (Maybe the need for wine is significantly increased in moments of surreal insanity!!). So we head off to this local pub. I discover that the pool table is free of charge that night and suggest we play a game. OK so a lot of people will know that I am utterly shite at pool until I have had a few drinks. So not playing the greatest game of pool, but not helped by the fact that said date is now whooping my arse at it, and quite enjoying doing so!!

You might think that considering the events leading up to this stage he might give me some sort of chance but no!! Oh and then as I’m looking unimpressed at the end, due to severe beating, he then goes to try and pot the black and the white at the same time – like I should be grateful he was trying to lose on purpose!!

I eventually make it home safe and sound, if not a tad freaked out by the evenings events!!

So what do we gain from this incident??

  • Never date a guy who has only just broken up from a 3 year relationship 3 weeks ago and still has pictures of her all over his facebook!! (Actually note to self to delete my ex from photos on my page which forgot were there!!)
  • If someone offers to pay for dinner, walk out the door to wait, that way if they don’t reappear within 5 minutes, assume they are washing dishes and leave (well could be an issue it’s a Brad Pitt lookalike who you are having an amazing time with!!)
  • Keep a pair of comfy shoes in bag- just in case the need to make a quick getaway arises!!
  • Learn to be a pool shark when sober or drunk!!

So this date to be added to the Denny’s Disaster (think Little Chef for those of you in the UK but 10 times worse!!), the hungover dribbling unresponsive date who was aawaiting DNA tests to find out if he was the child of a one night stand, the “let’s get married” freaky midget first date, the one who had me cleaning out his fridge and freezer after 5 mins of meeting him – and this was after he’d already taken a glass of wine off me cos I had just eaten a mint, the one who was married “but separated” who I then saw a while later on a family holiday with the wife and kids to name but a few!!!

Oh the joys of dating in New Zealand!! Let’s see what tomorrow night brings eh!!!

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